Elizabeth Archer

A genetic experiment bred to have the sense of smell of a cartoon bear, the moral compass of a hobbit, and the heart of an empathetic baboon, Elizabeth was released from a lab in Edmonton and forced to adapt to life as a Canadian. By day, she roamed the snow-swept prairies, howling at oil rigs and guessing the weight of passersby. By night, she completed her homework, ate nutritionally-balanced dinners, and dutifully lit candles at each of the city’s 23 Wayne Gretzky shrines. Though outwardly normal in many ways, Elizabeth’s mutant genes prevented her from being able to discern her right from her left (a potentially fatal flaw remedied by holding out both of her hands and seeing which thumb and forefinger the word ‘right’ was tattooed across). Despite such setbacks, Elizabeth has experienced many victories; under the supervision of the scientists that created her, she soon overcame her fear of the unknown and began buying mystery-flavor Kool-Aid in bulk and reading Page Six blind items with wild abandon. Thanks to Science, she now writes and directs with the enthusiasm of ten humans.

Why I like to work at Jellyvision

Working here fulfills my childhood dream of having a job that involves lots of writing, lots of giggling at funny things people say, having a wheeled chair of my own, and not having to fight my brother over the box of Goldfish crackers in the kitchen.

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Times on Canadian soil:

In fact, I am Canadian.

Pet I heart most:

Dog

The correct answer:

Sammy Hagar