Let's Repair a Lame First Sentence for a Benefits Email

Let’s Repair a Lame First Sentence for a Benefits Email

Justyn Harkin Benefits Communication

Let's Repair a Lame First Sentence for a Benefits EmailOK, I confess: I recently wrote a terribly lame first sentence for a benefits email that was supposed to be a template for HR folks to use for promoting our new ALEX on Leave of Absence tool to their employees. Fortunately for me, one of my amazingly talented coworkers stopped me from sending it out before it was too late.

What I Did Wrong

Basically, I took the lazy road to boring town. Instead of thinking about the email’s audience–employees who might not know what a leave of absence is–I used a lame “we’re happy to announce a thing” cliché.

Why That’s Lame

Those old “we’re happy to announce a thing” clichés? They’re OK if you’re telling everyone that Taco Tuesdays are back or if you want to let everyone on Facebook know that you got engaged. But if you want to communicate a complex idea to a large group of people? Not so great.

To craft an effective piece of communication, you need to put in a lot more effort.

Making Things Right for the First Sentence

As penance for my sins against good email, I’m dedicating today’s Communication Breakdown to how I was able to fix my lame first sentence. In the video below, I’ll show you exactly what I did wrong (it’s more than one thing!) and the process I went through to fix it.


Oh, and if you want more of our helpful and entertaining video content on email, make sure to check out:

Newsletter-Style Email and Terrible Headline Disease

Three Cheater Tricks for Writing Shorter Emails

What’s Killing Your Benefits Emails? Complicated Login Directions